A Hysterical Response to NC’s Latest LGBT Legislative Attacks

nc-legislature
Copyright: niroworld / 123RF Stock Photo

Beginning today, Wednesday, March 23, 2016, the North Carolina government is going to be wasting $42,000 per day of tax payers’ money on fighting a boogey-monster.

That’s right. In an attempt to fix a problem that isn’t actually a problem, the GOP-led legislature will be throwing away almost as much money EACH DAY as the average person in NC makes in a year.

I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t actually sound very conservative.

What’s worse is that the boogey-monster they are trying to catch is nothing more than a straw man stuffed with ignorance, fear, and hate. Sure they somehow believe it’s backed by their conservative Christian beliefs. But, even their tightest argument doesn’t actually justify their less-than-equitable treatment of transgendered folk.

That’s right, the terrible problem that is not a problem is the twisted and demented way that transgendered people have the audacity to want to use public restrooms in a facility that matches their gender identity.

The unspeakable atrocity of it! The unmitigated gall!

I mean…

Wait.

Hold up. Really? That’s it? A dude wants to pee in the boys’ room? That’s the problem? A lady would rather wait in line for the ladies room rather than walk right into the men’s room?

C’mon GOPers. That’s all you’ve got?

Ok, sure, I realize you believe you are protecting the women and children of our state. But, here’s the thing: you aren’t protecting anyone and we all know it. You are chasing a boogey-monster that you created yourself. Transgendered folk have been using the restroom that aligns with their gender identity for ages and most of us haven’t even known about it, much less had any problems with it.

So, thanks. Thanks for nothing.

Literally.

It’s interesting that you believe this is some kind of religious issue. At the church where I serve, we’ve been talking about a very different kind of religious issue: people in places of power abusing their power to marginalize people.

We’ve also been talking about the importance of creative non-violent resistance like we see from people like Dr. Martin Luther King and Gandhi.

One of the people in our community, Sarah, came up with a beautiful and funny response to the absolutely absurd laws that you seem determined to pass. She simply asked the question, “Who is going to screen to make sure the ‘right’ people are going into the correct restroom?”

The answer hit her like a GOP Senator running from a sex scandal, Sex Confirmation Specialists! This whole thing must be part of the GOP’s plan to bolster the workforce by adding jobs to the economy! Yay, GOP!

I mean, with all the public restrooms, can you IMAGINE how many Sex Confirmation Specialists will be needed? Outstanding!

That said, she has submitted this cover letter and resume:

Sarah S.
[Street Redacted]
[City and State Redacted]

March 21, 2016
Governor McCrory
North Carolina Governor
North Carolina Office of the Governor
20301 Mail Service Center
Raleigh, NC, 27699-0301

Dear Governor McCrory:

I have lived in North Carolina since 19XX and have seen a tremendous amount of change.  Some good, some bad, and some…unfathomably abhorrent.  I am sure I do not have to remind you of the innumerable attacks on family values that our country has faced up until now, and the current issues facing us still today.  I want you to know that I have taken note of your passion and steadfastness on the side of conservativism.

I recently read the amicus curiae brief submitted by you and the other noble gentlemen of South Carolina, West Virginia, Arizona, Mississippi, and Maine in regards to G.G. v. Gloucester County School Board.  The zeal and rigor with which you unwaveringly commit to the cause is remarkable.  You do not mince words in making it clear that patrons of public restrooms are resolutely bound by their outward reproductive organs, regardless of any inner “turmoil” they may experience in regards to said organs.

To aid in your endeavors to ensure that ladies’ rooms remain for ladies only and men’s bathrooms remain for men only, I would like to respectfully submit my resume (attached).  I feel that I am uniquely qualified for the soon-to-be-necessary position of Sex Confirmation Specialist.

Up until now we have simply relied on restrooms users to make the correct choice, but with transgender people wanting to invade the wrong facilities, it is now a matter of public safety to ensure that only the appropriate users be allowed in public restrooms. It is now necessary for the government to step in and protect our ladies and children from predators. The laws in place that do not permit incorrect bathroom use bear an implicit requirement that each user is legally bound to prove he or she is biologically correct in his or her bathroom choice.

I, and all the workers soon to join the Sex Confirmation Industry workforce, thank you for your attentiveness to what really matters. I am looking forward to your response!

Sincerely,
Sarah S.

RESUME:

Objective:  to ensure the safety and tranquility of public restrooms by auditing user genitalia.
Relevant Skills:
– Detail oriented
– People person
– Heteronormative
– Cis-gender
– Privileged
– Intimately familiar with both male and female genitalia

Relevant Work/Life Experience:
– Hall monitor, Murphy Elementary, 3rd grade through 5th grade
– Studied encyclopedia article with anatomy illustrations for countless hours as child
– Have viewed and correctly identified at least three vaginas and four penises with 100% accuracy
– Appropriate bathroom user since 19XX(ish)

I’d like to encourage all the folks in states considering laws like this to send similar letters and resumes to their governors and representatives. Let’s underscore the ridiculousness of their concerns with equally ridiculous application for the jobs that they must surely be creating to regulate such outlandish and far-reaching laws.

Sometimes, the best defense in the face of absurdity is a clown nose and a hardy laugh.

Who knows? If enough of us send in our “resumes” maybe we can collectively expose their mindless hokum.

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