Shaming Me For “Thoughts and Prayers” is not About Me

It took me far too long, but I’ve finally gotten to the point that I don’t hesitate to say (or type), “My thoughts and prayers are with you.”

You see, in the last few years, it’s become not only acceptable but somewhat trendy on social media to shame people for saying, “My thoughts and prayers are with you.”

Most of the people who practice the “thoughts and prayers” shaming say that those who say it are doing nothing more than giving lip-service to the underlying issues in order to make themselves feel better rather than making those who are suffering feel better.

While there is no doubt that some of the folks who say “thoughts and prayers” are doing exactly that, there is no doubt that, much like most things in life, there are a multitude of intents and possibilities going on when folks say it. Categorically assuming that it always is just the one thing that you most see it being is short-sighted and frankly a bit self-centered – not to mention judgmental and uncaring.

The reality is even those who are just saying it as lip-service to the issue might still be making an impact. When we are hurt or go through a traumatic event our human condition sometimes is to close down a bit for the sake of protecting ourselves from further hurt. Obviously, that can be an isolating experience.

Regardless of their motivations for doing it, having folks say their “thoughts and prayers” are with you can put cracks in whatever walls are isolating us and begin to cause us to feel not quite so alone in a world that might be feeling very cruel and even violent (whether physically or emotionally.)

For me, as a Christian minister, it means even more than that.

“Thoughts and prayers” is something I’ve grown up hearing my entire life. It is a very real part of my religious culture.

It’s meaning, for me, runs much deeper than the words themselves might seem to express. When I say something like, “My thoughts and prayers go out to all of those involved in today’s shooting,” it is not with some mystical expectation that the words are magical and can influence a god-figure to step in and correct the horror of the situation. Rather, it is my culturally learned way of expressing my personal love and concern for those impacted by the event.

More than that, it is also my way of promising to do what I can to impact change – in the person’s life and/or about the particular issue.

You see, prayer is not about influencing God or directly changing the impact of a situation to any significant degree. Prayer is about influencing me.

My prayers truly are just lip-service if they do not ultimately move me to action. But, in saying I am praying for a person or situation, I am making a sort of promise to them and to myself. A promise to move beyond an inward turned concern toward outward activity that both helps care for those impacted and helps address the issues that resulted in the hurting in the first place.

So, when you shame me (and others) for saying, “My thoughts and prayers are with you,” you are saying much more about yourself than about me. It’s not necessarily saying anything about you in terms of good or bad as much as it points to the possibility that you may not have all the information about the topic yet.

The funny thing is, information is a bit like prayer. If you do it right, it changes you.

11 thoughts on “Shaming Me For “Thoughts and Prayers” is not About Me

  1. And that’s great, if you’re a Christian with your values. I can see why it would be a correct response. But the phrase can all too easily be used as a way to quickly pass over others’ suffering, where prayers are sufficient and powerful and any necessary action can be left in the hands of God. Unless it involves gay people or guns of course. Then thoughts and prayers are never enough.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I say this because I don’t k now what else to say..and when I was bereaved, it was soothing when other people said it to me. Why are people even questioning this? Sometimes thoughts & prayers are all there can be..

    Liked by 2 people

  3. When it is all a person can do because of distance, inability, etc., it’s a comforting phrase full of the speaker’s concern. When the person is capable of doing more–especially if the person has the power to help–the phrase is a copout.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree! I know way too many people who call themselves Christians who whenever someone is suffering, do nothing but say to them that they’ll pray for them. It truly is just lip service! And it’s especially true of Jehovah witnesses in my experience. Seems like most Christians are only interested in feeling safe from their fear of the nothingness of death, with no concern about obeying scripture by humbling themselves to help those who are in need. It seems to be beneath them to have anything to do with those who don’t fit into their click.


  4. You should edit your writing before posting. Or ask someone to edit for you. The errors in this text are very distracting.


  5. Whether people like the statement or not, to those receiving it, it can be very comforting just to know that people care.


  6. This post is so self righteous, I am suffering from insulin shock. You fail to address how to change the affect of ‘thoughts and prayers’ when they aren’t followed IMMEDIATELY with compassionate real-time action. You defend the phrase the way a southerner might defend ‘bless your heart” as a passive aggressive way of calling someone an idiot. It doesn’t make it any less rude. ‘Thoughts and prayers has a bad rap because there is no follow through showing you do anything but respond to hurt with empty Christian optimism. Sorry you feel ashamed, but despite your headline, that is entirely about you. Your thoughts and prayers belong only to you.


  7. I’m not especially religious but I do send thoughts and prayers and wishes out into the universe. I do tell people I’m thinking of them. I especially like to do it later, after the big event has passed. When somebody tells me they are thinking of me or praying for me on the anniversary of my mother’s or my first born’s death, it means the world to me. I don’t expect anybody to DO anything else for me necessarily, but knowing that somebody loves me enough to take a moment to tell me is pretty awesome. It’s so much better than saying nothing at all. Do you nay sayers actually rally and do things for every single person you come across that suffers a loss? Because if you do, wow! I applaud your greatness and devotion to humankind. Thoughts and prayers is so much better than silence. Silence is the worst. We all can only give so much. Have some compassion for others. We’ve all got our own stories and we’ve all made mistakes. Publicly humilating someone for an editing error or even a writing style is not compassionate. Have you never made a mistake? Are you so perfect? Please send me the link where you put yourself out there into the world and let your vulnerabilities show. Do you make your own art and share it?


  8. I keep trying to think of something else to say in response to a tragedy. “Thoughts and prayers” do sound so trite but there’s got to be something else. Maybe something like “I’m so sorry to hear of this. I wish I had something helpful to say….there’s just so nothing. Just, I’m sorry.”


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